Sunday, March 27, 2016


I stayed up most of last night to write some witty prose and to my shock this morning not one person had given me the Nobel Prize in scribbling or the Man Booker thing or anything then in a flash it came to me, I was sober when I was writing.

A while back now I lived in Belmont near Newcastle in NSW Australia and back then I thought about comedy as career but gave it up because I was turning into an alcoholic. The more I drunk the funnier I got I remember one memorable Sunday I was Hilarious, really really funny, you have heard of people doubled up with laughter well I was even funnier, I was so funny I couldn't walk.

It was about three kilometres from the club to the house quite a long crawl but I made it only my trouser knees suffering and it was soooooo funny I made myself sick, when I reached my sleeping spot, under the poison ivy outside our cute wee cottage it was heaven to just rest my head and listen to the cicadas, cars honking and people laughing at how funny I was.

I was reminded this morning with the sun shining through the bedroom window of how I used to wake for three months back then with the dappled sunlight glinting through the garage skylight onto my sort of futon type thing back there in Belmont.

Angie is better this morning her swelling is down to moderate chipmunk status and she shouts for "tea tea" just as loudly as normal so I am patting myself on the back for being such a clever little first aider :)

Ohh another reason I never took up comedic writing is who remembers that really really funny bloke who writes Johnathin Ross's material you know the guy? I can just see his face what's his name again? Ohh and I'm sober far too much.

The Ninja mozzie that turned Angie into a chipmunk

See when I was younger my body felt like a weapon, maybe an Excocet missile or summat just now it still feels like a weapon but more like a spent 303 cartridge, why? Well its because I cant sleep and the reason I cant sleep is Angela and the noise she is making. Now normally if Angela is sleeping rather noisy its because she has been dancing with Jack (Daniels) or Jim (Beam) and I put up with it for a while then resign myself to the spare room, but tonight she has an excuse.

So its 0330 and I'm typing quietly on the Ipad so as not to disturb her and keep a wary eye on the swelling with the light from the display, ohh btw before you all panic and call me and wake me up, the swelling has gone down substantially and she will be fine.

Where was I? Ohh yeah last week I was gardening, as I do, and I got bitten by an insect, now this wasn't a cleg or horse fly cos they are big, and being a hairy sod I feel them land and squash them quick and it wasn't a midgie as they are small and quite nice really, this was the size and shape of a mosquito but it wasn't like one of those friendly Ozzie ones that buzz you and have you slap your own head repeatedly, and has the nice wee lump forming saliva or whatever. Na this one is a Ninja Mozzie its deadly quiet you don't feel him land and well when I got bitten on the forearm and the leg, my leg swelled up so much I had to elevated it to ease the swelling as I lay on the couch, which I sometimes do.

This elevation was great ( I included a new paragraph here as I thought you might be falling asleep btw) where was I? Ohh yeah it was great until I lowered the leg to try and walk and all the blood rushed back in and it was like the GOUT, well no not quite as bad just more like a lorry had reversed over the leg or summat.

So anyway I was working away designing a website this afternoon, as I do very occasionally  and Angie popped her head round the door to tell me the inside of her mouth was swollen so I checked her out and came to the conclusion that she may have been bitten by something and seeing last week my reaction had been so bad I told her we should call the DR for advice, to which she poopooed me and looked like she might hit me so I gave her some antihistamine and patted myself on the back because I'm a good First Aider.

So Anyway, about half an hour later she popped back into the office where I was still designing a website and her face was visibly swollen like the sketch in Fawlty Towers where Polly has the cotton wool in her cheeks you know? so I risked getting hit against her demands and rang the DR. Being an Easter Saturday evening he hit me, no he didn't, that was a joke, there was an answer machine which directed me to another number for West Link Care ( they do out of hours emergencies) the girl there asked me what was wrong and she called a nurse who in turn called me back and told me to jump in the car and drive to Carna straight away.

Carna is about as far from here as Dubbo was from Kurnell so I asked her if there was anywhere closer like maybe Carraroe surgery or Spiddal or Galway so she then directed me to Rosmuc which is about 25 mins drive and gave me an appointment for half an hours time. I jumped in the car and looked down "ohh no" I said to myself "there might not be enough petrol to reach Rosmuc and back" Robert Behave m8 this isn't a novel. Sorry where was I?

Ohh yeah I had to go 50 meters out of my way and put €24.65 worth of petrol in the car, very quickly and there was a que at the counter so I said "Medical Emergency" and pushed my way to the front as I do, ahaha Mum I don't actually I have never done that before. Anyway dashed back out to the car and sped off, I just mentioned to Angie what I had done and she "^%&£"$%(", a few times and told me I was "making too much fuss and I should slow down".

 I was driving about 5 mph above the speed limit, as now I was going to keep the DR waiting, she then said something I had never heard before but is brilliant advice for someone speeding that doesn't have a potential airway constricted death patient with a head now resembling a semi deflated basketball sitting beside them and that is "YOUR BETTER OFF 5 MINS LATE IN THIS LIFE THAN MINS EARLY IN THE NEXT"

So we got to the DR's and she praised my First Aid in her way, so I patted my back gently again and went to tell everyone in the waiting room about the Ninja Mozzie incase they thought I had punched Angela or summat. She got a huge vial of antihistamine injected and a super "sore" syringe of steroid to lose the inflammation. I say Super sore there because of all the moaning I had to put up with, and was told to wait 20 mins in the waiting room to make sure the swelling had not got worse.

The 20 mins flew past as I spent the time trying to get a good photo of her head for medical science or posterity or as I told everyone in the room Facebook as I like to have a wee joke when someone is in extreme pain to lighten the mood you know. Anyway all is well and she is sleeping like a baby, a very very very loud baby.

So I'm going to try and sleep again now as its after four and I feel like bacon and eggs, so if you all would like me to stop my attempts at humorous prose and go for a badly required road workers job or summat maybe you will all send money?